Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
