how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
