I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
