everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
