after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize