i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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