he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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