the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
