when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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