Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
