i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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