I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
