Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
