I need to stop coming to work sober
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
