So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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