Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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