the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
