my phone needs a breathalizer
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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