she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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