my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
