well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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