I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize