Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
