I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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