do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
