I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Semen is not good for contacts.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
