I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
