My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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