it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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