My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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