it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Randomize
