I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
