It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
you had me at cake vodka
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
