can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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