1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
