Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
