new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
