I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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