Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
