Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
