you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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