Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
