So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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