1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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