Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
