areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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