this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
