i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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