I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
