made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
no you cant smoke seaweed
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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