Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
