How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
