Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
