mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
