I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
