I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
