rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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