Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
