you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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