omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
