I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
