Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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