Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
