i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
