I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
