im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
