Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
