Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
