I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
