see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
