Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Randomize
