Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
