I've blown a few things in my day
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
