Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
