i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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