just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
